


I'll be the one you love the most

by Napping



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Kid Fic, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:21:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22961587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Napping/pseuds/Napping
Summary: ”Honestly, just kiss already!” Hen called.It was to be expected. Chimney had been nagging Buck about it for months. Everybody told him that he has met his real deal. That it was obvious.What they didn’t see coming, though -“Why on earth would I kiss Buck?”- was that Eddie just didn’t love him back, as easy as that.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 164





	I'll be the one you love the most

The thing about disasters was that in retrospect, they always seemed so preventable. Buck had no problem tracking down the exact seconds in which he should have interfered, where he should have acted differently and just like that, he wouldn’t stand here and watch his world crash and burn in real time. If he had known, he would have shut it all down the second it started. He’d have disagreed more, never encouraged them. But as it was, he didn’t even know what was about to hit him before he faced the aftershocks of it. Nobody laid a finger him but Buck felt like he has had actual punches to the face that hurt less than watching this.

The worst thing was, he could not only see how he could have prevented this, but also exactly when the realisation hit that he _should_ have.

Hen narrowed her eyes and shook her head in faux exhaustion. ”Honestly, just kiss already!” She called.

It was to be expected. Chimney had been nagging Buck about it for months. Had shot knowing smiles and teasing comments his way whenever he did as much as say the letter E.

It hadn’t just been him, though. Everybody told him that Buck has met his real deal, it was obvious. Even Buck himself had to admit that he had fallen for Eddie, quick and so easily. Hen made a bet with Chimney about it, too. Buck walked in on them writing their guesses down. He laughed with them. If they were so sure, then he wouldn’t burst their bubble.

Because what they didn’t see coming, but should have if they’d ever taken the time to listen to Buck, actually listen. Hear him when he said that nobody wanted to ever really commit to him, anyway. That he was not what Eddie was searching for, not by miles. Yes, maybe if they had taken him by his word, they would have been as unsurprised as Buck was right then. Knowing that didn’t make it any easier to have to face the fact that he should have discouraged them more, though.

“Why on earth would I kiss Buck?”

Because what they had not guessed would happen, was that Eddie just didn’t love him back, as easy as that.

The problem was, it wasn’t as if Buck had not seen this coming. Everybody might have been so invested in the idea of just meeting the love of your life and live happily ever after. Maybe because it seemed to be true for everybody around him, which seemed to have blinded them from the obvious, but Buck has never been as naive as that. He never got what he wanted. His life always seemed to have a curve ball here and a trap to fall in there, so he did know. He had known from the second he realized he loved Eddie.

Eddie was leaning against the kitchen counter, scrambling eggs with his right hand and steering milk with his left, which was looking like it was going to boil over at any second, for Chris’s cocoa.

”You could also just help me, you know?”

Buck raised his eyebrows and stole a bit of egg out of the pan. ”The eggs are burned.”

”Really?” Eddie asked, sarcastically and pushed them around in the pan some more. ”That’s why I told you to help me."

”You didn’t tell me to help you. You said that I could,” Buck shrugged with a shit eating grin. He stole a bit more out of the pan and got hit by Eddie with his spatula for his troubles. ”And I did. I told you that you were burning both the eggs and the milk.”

Eddie looked away from the eggs and over to the milk which has begun to steam heavily. ”Buck-”

Buck laughed and walked around the kitchen counter, pushing Eddie a step to the left with his hip, turned the stove off and took the spatula from him. ”Well, at least we are two firefighters right here.”

”You think you are funny,” Eddie crumpled and let Buck take over the cooking while he went to get a plate and a cup. ”But you are just being a little shit.”

Eddie placed both the plate and cup next to Buck on the counter and then turned around the cut an apple into slices.

”It’s my charm,” Buck shrugged and tried the milk to see if it tasted as burned as it smelled.

”Sure it is,” Eddie threw the stem of the apple at Buck. ”Does it taste ok?”

Buck shook his head until he saw the stem fall out of his hair and onto the floor, where he kicked it under the fridge. Eddie didn’t look impressed at all, but there was a little playful smile around his lips that made Buck feel all giddy and warm. ”Tastes like a five star dinner,” he answered, suddenly sounding a bit breathless.

Eddie seemed to contemplate throwing an apple slice at him too when Chris ran into the kitchen. ”Buck!” He shouted and rushed around the counter to hug him.

”Hey Buddy,” Buck said, leaning down to cuddle the 8 year old to his chest. ”How did you sleep?”

Chris let go of him and smiled. His smile was so bright, so happy, Buck couldn’t help but return it right away. It only grew wider when he heard Eddie mutter ”Oh, good morning, Dad. Glad to see you,” underneath his breath.

”I dreamed of dogs,” Chris said seriously, playing with the key chain that hung out of Buck’s pocket. ”But they were in all funny colours. We had a purple one.”

”That sounds awesome. Dogs should come in more fun colours.” Buck answered, just as seriously. ”What was his name?”

Chris narrowed his eyes and then shrugged with a little pout. ”I don’t remember. Buck, if you had a dog, what would you call him?”

Buck walked around the kitchen counter and then helped to boast Chris on one of the bar chairs there. He sat down next to Christoper and rubbed over his chin in thought. ”Bandito,” he said finally. He’s always loved that name.

Chris giggled. ”That would make him sound like a rebel!”

”I used to have a dog, when I was a little older than you, you know?” Buck added, thinking back to the golden mud that had played in the garden with him and Maddie. It had been a good time. A better time. It wasn’t the first time that Buck felt as if the dog had somehow taken all the happiness from their family right with him when he died. They hadn’t been the perfect family but they had been good enough. Happy enough. And then one day, his dad came home late. And again. Just like one day they had been playing with their dog in the yard and the next they didn’t anymore. And suddenly, step by step, so slowly that the transition didn’t even seem visible to the naked eye, talking turned to yelling. Threats to blows. Smiles to tears.

Buck shook his head and smiled at Chris. There were things about him that the boy should never have to see. A reality to life that Buck would make sure he’d never have to be exposed to.

Eddie placed a plate in front of Chris and then pointed with the fork to Buck before handing it to his son. ”Don’t give him any ideas.”

Buck raised his hands in defeat and shot Eddie a cocky grin. ”I’m not doing anything. I’m just saying, I’d call naming rights.” Chris knocked his shoulder against Buck’s and shook his head laughing.

”No!”

Buck looked at him in faked surprise. ”What? You wouldn’t let me call your dog Bandito?”

”Nah-ah,” Chris shook his head again and drank a sip of his cocoa. ”I’d call him Purple.”

Buck starred at Chris and then at Eddie and sighed. ”History is really repeating itself. Maddie had claimed the naming rights back then and called our mud Pink. I see a pattern.”

”In that case, the pattern would be you,” Eddie laughed together with his son and then leaned his forearms on the counter between them. ”Now I’m intrigued to buy a dog, just to see the look on your face.”

”Yes!” Chris exclaimed to which Eddie rushed to brush a hand through his hair.

”We wouldn’t have time for dog right now, Chris,” Eddie said softly, nodding at his sons disappointed expression. ”But maybe you can ask Buck to take you to the park later and look at all the doggies there? You can tell me all about them when you get home?”

Buck was a bit too lost in his mind to really hear Chris’s cheery response. It was as if his brain decided to just catch one thing and then worked it over and over again. It was the way how easily, casually and without question, Eddie planned Buck into their day to day life. There was no hesitation or doubt in his voice.

Eddie looked away from Chris and shot a bright smile Buck’s way. He said something, Buck could see his lips moving, but he couldn’t hear it over the _Belonging, Belonging, look, you’ve found a place you belonged_ that was pumping from his heart through his body and back.

He hadn’t felt like this ever since that last summer day, before Pink passed. Before his family seemed to crack around the edges, just a little bit here and there until they were broken beyond repair.

Not here, though. Here, Eddie smiled at him and Chris was giggling and it smelled a little bit burned and a whole lot like his new family.

Buck smiled back at Eddie, a soft little thing playing around his lips. Eddie winked at him playfully and then turned to talk to his son.

And maybe that just was the thing about falling in love.

Sometimes, it really were the little things.

The problem about all of that showed itself rather quickly after that. Because of course there had to be a catch, there always was. Buck wasn’t even surprised about it anymore. He’d seen it coming from a mile away, passively, somehow. The problem was once he had initially realized it, he couldn’t stop. It was always on his mind. He made lunch and the next second his brain just screamed ' _Fuck, I am in love with Eddie.'_

That in itself wasn’t really a problem. Trust Buck to fall somebody so far out of his league, he was literally playing in an entirely different team, but that still wasn’t really the issue. Buck was glad about it somehow. He’d always kind of felt as if maybe he couldn’t really love at all.

It has been something that had bothered him for a long while. It was not really something he’d overthought, when he was younger. So what, his sister had gotten married when she was his age and he still never had any really serious relationship. He was young, he was getting around, he was meeting new people.

It was fine, it was what he wanted. Partly. It was fine when he was 20, and it was great when he was 21, turned even better when he was 22 and then he turned 23, and realized that he had never felt more alone in his life.

When he turned 24, he promised that he wouldn’t get to 25 alone. He’d meet somebody who’d mean the world to him, who he’d want to grow old with.

He was alone when he turned 25. It was also the first year in which Maddie didn’t write him a card or called for his birthday. He was alone the whole day, nothing to do. The silence of the space where another person was supposed to be, was deafening. He wasn’t as sure what to hope for, for his 26th birthday. It felt like it wasn’t even worth to make wishes about it. Looking back, he felt like that day may have been his rock bottom.

When he turned 26, he wasn’t alone. He’d made sure to be surrounded by people and was drunk before the clock struck 12. Buck tried to remember the names of the people who’d been there, celebrating with him, but he could recall a few faces, vaguely, at best. Maddie hadn’t called or written in over a year and didn’t that day either. Buck was more worried than mad, and angry at himself for being mad at all.

He was sure he’d found his family at the 118 when he turned 27, but nothing close to the love of his life.

Hen brought him a cupcake when he turned 28. Chimney made fun of him, because it wasn’t a big cake. Bobby hugged him and told him he was proud of him. Eddie smiled so brightly, Buck felt like everything had been darker before. It was only a few days after he’d realized that he loved Eddie. It was something that made his head ache sometimes, the more he thought about it. It seemed unnecessarily cruel to finally give him what he’s wanted all along but have no way of getting it all. He could love, but he was the only one doing so. It was one sided.

”I didn’t think I could love,” Buck said to Eddie who opened the car door and got in the passenger seat. Eddie held up a Redbull and put it in the cup holder on Buck’s side. He used the past tense deliberately. Eddie wouldn’t notice it, but Buck felt the need to have it clarified, at least for him.

”Of course you can,” he said, while he put his seatbelt on. It was already dark out, they’ve just finished a 24 hour shift. It was probably the reason why Buck felt like talking about it all right now. His birthday had gone well, somehow. Relationship or not, he felt more loved than he had in years. He’d built up contact with Maddie again, too. He’d gotten a cautious little message from her, the tiniest little congratulations, with so much unsaid that Buck felt like he could read it all like a novel. Buck swore that he would somehow save her. From whatever it was that she needed saving from.

”No, honestly,” Buck answered and turned the car around. Eddie had said it with so much confidence, as if there was no question. Buck’s heart felt a bit lighter, knowing that it probably just was that easy for him. It was good to know that his friend has never had to sit down and cry over the fact that people fell in love and wrote love songs, turned crazy and inside out because they were in love, while he just sat around, trying to understand. Buck was glad that was something obvious and easy to Eddie. Even when it came with the after taste of maybe never being fully understood. He was alone with his problems, which was good, really, but lonely.

”Come on, Buck.” Eddie shook his head and eyed him from the side.

Buck signalled and then turned left. ”I have dated people, you know? But I always seem like I am only happy for about two months. I don’t love them. I didn’t know what it’s like to want to see a person every day and love to spend time with them all the time.”

He did now. Buck remembered coming out of one of the most exhausting shifts he’s ever had and still looking forward to go over to Eddie’s. He couldn’t really imagine wanting to spend every day with another person, but him. A realisation that still made him feel as confused as it made him happy.

Eddie shook his head again and then put his hand on Buck’s arm shortly. ”You can love.”

Buck nodded. He knew he could, but maybe only when it was in vain. ”The only thing keeping me from freaking out because apparently, love is not in the stars for me.”

”Don’t even say that. You are amazing, Buck.”

Buck shook the compliment off and talked right past it as if it had never existed in the first place. It was like he was trained for this. ”The one thing, was the crush I had in the 6th grade,” Buck laughed a little and Eddie joined in with a small smile. Buck was proud to have turned this conversation less serious. He just needed to get this off his chest, without the tension. The pressure.

”Can’t underestimate 6th grade crushes,” Eddie nodded and opened the glove department, fishing for a granola bar.

”You ate all of them.” Buck waved off his efforts. ”Anyway, there was this guy, he was called Mike and I swear, I had the biggest crush. I think I actually was in love there. Not again for years, but he really was different. I just wanna find a Mike again.”

He may have. Somehow, against all the odds and the lonely years, he was here, now and Eddie was right there with him, making him feel things he hadn’t in over a decade.

”And you will,” Eddie said, with a serious note. ”They are right around the corner, just waiting for you. And you’ll be happy and in love and forget you ever had to worry about it at all, okay? And they will be so happy to have you.”

 _Would you be happy to have me_? Buck didn’t ask. It wouldn’t be fair. It wasn’t Eddie’s fault that hedidn’t feel the same for Buck. The chances had never been high to begin with, the odds of the same person you love, actually loving you back are ridiculous and Eddie was not to blame that he just didn’t feel it. Buck nearly scoffed at his own thoughts. Who would?

So, sometimes Buck used to wonder if that was just who he was. If he just couldn’t love a person for long. Maybe not really love at all. But then he looked at Eddie and knew: Yes, he could. Eddie was the one person he has loved since he’s met him and never stopped.

The problem wasn’t that he couldn’t love. It was that he couldn’t love anybody as much as he loved Eddie.

The good thing was that Buck has had to deal with disappointment all his life. There always was another shoe to drop and then another pair for good measure. There were people who were lucky, who seemed to have it all. There had to be the opposite too, to balance it out. And Buck had the feeling that he might be exactly that. But what it’d had taught him that he could deal with it, as long as he structured it right.

He’s had a list about joining the SEALS. It started with _Help where you can_ and ended with _Who are you not to give back._

He’s still writing one about Doug. There was something about him that he just couldn’t trust. Something seemed just so _off_ about him, Buck couldn’t even really say what it was. Maybe that was just that. Doug’s whole appearance, the way he showed himself, the way he talked, it was too perfect. Too calculated. Not an expression, not a syllable, not even a lint on his jacket out of place. It was as if he’s spending hours on end in front of the mirror, practicing the right way and time to blink. But one day, something would slip. Maybe just one hair out of his perfectly held in place hairdo and Buck would be ready.

He’s had one before leaving the SEALS. It was shorter. _You are not a machine. You are not a machine. You are_ not a machine.

So, of course, there was only the way for him to approach this problem that wasn’t really a problem but wasn’t really anything else either.

Buck sighed to himself in his bunk at work, where he sat with a pencil and his notebook, forcing himself not to look at Doug’s page. He was always worried about Maddie but right now he needed to focus.

_A - Age. It might not be a huge difference, but it was there. Eddie has much more experience in life._

_B - Better. He deserves better. It’s that simple._

_C - Chris. Would he accept me as new parent? Would I want that? What if he doesn’t want me. What if you broke up? What then?_

_D - Dick. Not something Eddie seems to be into._

_E - Eddie._ Buck shook his head at himself, feeling like a love sick teenager. He scratched the word and tried to focus again.

_E - Enlist. Eddie is a whole soldier and you couldn’t even finish your SEAL training._

_F - Fireman. It is really a dangerous life. I can barely see my friends getting into all these situations as it is. Knowing it was my boyfriend? That I might have to go home to his son and tell him the news? What if I get compromised too? Eddie needs somebody with a stable, safe job._

Buck put the pencil down, looking at his list considering. That had to be enough to shut his brain up for a little bit. Enough, so he could go on for another day, just being Eddie’s friend and not push to be more. Eddie won’t ever love him as much. Not in that way anyway. And it was okay.

It had to be okay. Eddie was his best friend and that was not a second prize for his love.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey you !! I hope you like the concept of this story :-)' (my angst loving brain went 'yaaaay angst')  
> I'll try and upload this asap (I'm low key a busy bee somehow, running on red bull and angst apparently hi. hello. BUCKle in for heart break (but with happy ending !!))
> 
> I would love to read your opinions about it, I'm always so happy when I see new comments !! <3
> 
> I hope you have a great day!!
> 
> \- Nick


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